You guys, I think R. Kelly likes sex.
Sweet God, is he watching me?
Last August, R. Kelly released a new single off his then-upcoming sure-to-be-great album Untitled, “Number One,” a song whose beat was so cringingly bad, Robert Sylvester Kelly provided his own dj drops as a half-assed gesture at a chorus. It would have just been bad, but its lyrics (and accompanying music video, though that’s a discussion for another day) salvaged the musical wreckage. The first time I heard it, I laughed out loud — and it turns out that’s the best barometer for judging R.’s songs. I don’t want to ruin the surprise, but keep your ears perked up towards the end. Turns out he’s got a Latin lover. Aye papi!
It turns out that detail is just the sort that R. Kelly uses to spice up his songs (as if they could get any spicier!). Because, as the singles continued to roll off of Untitled, the innuendo multiplied to such a point that the man has legitimately become a pastiche of himself. I’m sure that everyone remembers back in 2002, shortly after R. Kelly had been indicted for child pornography, when Dave Chappelle unleashed his hilarious and a little too close-to-the-bone R. Kelly parody music video, “I Wanna Piss On You.” It was crass and a little too direct. So, it turns out, is R. Kelly.
Single number two, which you’ve certainly heard regardless of whether or not the dulcet drops of “Number One” have made it to your ears, was “Echo.” You know, the one with the yodeling chorus? Well, I counted, and he says “sex” 17 times in that song. Also, he has a very obviously censored swear word 3 times, plus one “hit it” in place of that curse which this blog is too delicate for. That makes 21 in total. Almost double the 11 times the word “sex” is used in “Number One.” Impressive, or just pathetic?
Well, it would be hard to make an informed decision before evaluating all the evidence, because the next single off the album makes “Echo” and “Number One” seem like material appropriate for a Baby Einstein developmental tape. This song’s title is “Pregnant,” and its opening line may be enough to turn you off of popular music altogether. In the first thirty seconds of the song, R. Kelly says “girl, you make me want to get you pregnant” or some variation thereof 4 times, while the background vocals of “knock you up” play twice.
Truth. Beauty. Grace. R. Kelly has it all, ladies and gentlemen. I probably would try not to stand too close to him, though.
