The Staff

For a long time now, the identities of Animal Show staffers have been kept a secret. Well, consider yourself in the dark no longer! Just kidding; you’re still entirely in the dark. But below are short bios of the authors, along with funny pictures of what they could look like in real life. What they actually look like will have to remain a secret. As far as I know, I’m the only person who actually has met all 5 authors. That’s a lot of power. -Edward

• Edward Gottfried: Founder, Editor-in-Chief: Born several years ago in a location much closer to Hannah Montana than you, Edward worked his entire life for this, accumulating over 3 friends (as well as one he made up) to contribute to the site as he went. He is also the writer of a sitcom, conveniently titled The Animal Show, which fully demonstrates the depth of his creativity. Is it worth mentioning that he wrote himself in as one of the primary characters? And that he stole the theme song from Green Acres? A student at Bowdoin College, Edward is currently studying in Rome, where there is no music unless you can speak Italian, which he can’t. Edward’s favorite color is tie-dye, which he insists is a color all to itself. Also, one time he was solicited by a prostitute at 8 PM on a Sunday at 23rd and 3rd Ave, which he’s still very proud of.

• David Jacobs: Managing Editor, Sex Appeal: David, known to his friends and the internet as DFJ, began writing for the Animal Show at the tender age of 9, and was given his first on-site assignment as an 11th birthday present. In March of 2010, Deej took over the operation of the Show, rescuing the sinking ship from the increasingly incapable operation of Edward. A true prodigy, David writes all his articles lying down with his head underneath the keyboard, typing like that scene in Amadeus. He likes chocolate Dunkaroos more than the funfetti icing variety and is alarmingly punctual, although if you try to get him comped concert tickets he’ll ditch your ass like you wouldn’t believe. Fun fact: he was one of the kids from the original Osh Kosh B’Gosh advertisements.

• Dave: Contributing Writer, Old Person: Despite being the oldest member of the staff, Dave has the dubious distinction of being the least capable of growing any meaningful sort of facial hair, no mean feat considering the questionable growths of the above two editors. Dave has been with the Show ever since he sent Edward an email, the contents of which will doubtless make an impressive addition to the Animal Show exhibit in the Smithsonian: “You have a blog? Why didn’t you tell me? I like music.” How times have changed! While most people of his advanced age set out into the world to get jobs or secondary schooling in order to get a job, the last anyone heard from Dave he was still living in his parents’ house, where he can only get cell phone reception in one specific corner of the den, and even there only when the wind’s blowing the right direction.

• Marquis Meowmers IV: Contributing Writer, Allergen Bearer: Hiding behind a pseudonym, Marquis has insisted that his full biography fit his character. Therefore: Born to the Earl of Catnip, Marquis Meowmers III, our own Marquis the younger has ceded his thrown, choosing to spend his time instead confusing the hell out of everyone by not including any spaces in his Animal Show username. In addition to being a cat, Marquis Meowmers has his own cat, which he named Rye-Rye after the MIA collaborator and funky-ass artist. Marquis rarely cleans himself, and then when he does it’s in full cat fashion, licking off the maple syrup matted in his dense fur with a thin tongue. His breath smells like cat food, and he probably isn’t fit for the company of humans.

• IcebergXC: Writer, Who Has Contributed?: To be perfectly frank, it’s been so long since IcebergXC wrote anything that we can hardly remember who the man behind the username is. Sorry.